This week, I had an assignment: Describe a time when a "Single Story" has been used to describe you. What was the impact of this experience? How did it limit the richness of your identity/life? How can we work to have a more nuanced understanding of ourselves and others?
This discussion really got my thinking and it was actually a difficult prompt, as so much happens in our life, that we don't think about any "Single Story."
*Currently have writer’s block*
This is a really complex question to answer. I feel like I have hundreds of “Single Stories” and each Story is like its own Venn Diagram. They all have different outcomes, but the outcome of the previous story is connected in some way. I imagine it as a domino effect. (I really hope that makes sense LOL)
At first, I wanted to ask my boyfriend and friends what story they would tell others to describe who I am. But everything about me stems from my past childhood and the experiences that came with them; to create the woman I am today. This might get a little personal and kind of deep, but I feel that this area has created a safe space, (which is a feeling that isn’t experienced as frequently as it should).
Growing up, I never had a real feeling of what family was. My parents got divorced when I was 5, my brother was 2. My mom raised us as a single, hard working mother. My biological father(D- we will call him “D”) was estranged in my life as well as my brother. I began to raise my brother when D never was home. I was the “woman of the house” who was in charge of cleaning, cooking, feeding myself and my brother, teaching him when he started elementary school, and I had to raise enough money to cover any of my expenses, like club basketball. Listening to my friends’ stories of when they were younger, and the family movie nights, the family holiday cards, and most importantly, I never received the safe space in my own home. I didn’t get to grow up in a life that my friends always described and the family I saw in movies and read in books. Once I began noticing the red flags, the lack of any parental guidance, support, or love, I learned how to stand up for myself. I felt as if I was known as the “mom” in that home. By growing up to be aware of my safety and others’, I built my guard, I made choices for the best of everyone, regardless of any consequences. Having parents that fight constantly, always meeting with therapists, mediators, judge-approved counselors, and more; I learned that everything that happens, happens for a reason, despite the downfall of what happens during life. I learned that I need to talk about my feelings, communicate, and also to know when to stop engaging with others. Now, as of today, I was adopted by my moms’ husband as soon as I turned 18, I cut D out of my life, and I am living at my dream school.
This has impacted me in countless ways! I know what I don’t want to have when I begin to raise a family. My family experiences were impacted by blocking them out, not having a “traditional” or “modern” family. But I was also impacted by creating the most amazing relationship with my mom, my dad (Q), and my brother. I think I defined myself as ‘the girl who always has family issues.’ I felt that I couldn’t be who I wanted to be, until I cut-out any negative contact or energy that was happening in my life. My character is strong now, I am known as “empathetic and compassionate.” I am motivated in academics as I was a coping mechanism, and now I am extremely focused on my career and what the future holds.
All of the negative things that people may say about you, whether that’s directed at you or said behind your back, we need to have a more nuanced understanding of who we are because of the background and adversity we face. Everyone faces different life obstacles, nobody will have the same background; but I believe that if we all take the time to spend some time reflecting and noting what memories we have or that we lack will start opening the eyes of others to understand who they are. Ensuring that we have a community that we can go to when we need is also very important in the impact of the rest of our lives, to be there for others and vice versa, we will begin to understand others on a deeper level, as they will get to learn and understand who you are as a person!
If you ever need a safe person to talk to, there are many resources, and as always, I can be an ear if you need, a shoulder if you want to cry, and anything to help whatever is going on. Thanks for doing another Catch Up with Causha <3